I know you don’t understand. You don’t know how to control those big emotions swirling around in your brain, making your body feel sick and shaky and your tiny heart pound. You are doing the best you can with what you know. It will get easier, I promise.
Some day, you’ll realize that you are enough. You are more than enough. Every mistake and every victory create the story of you. Every blemish and scar, every award and accolade. All worth it, all worthy, all you.
You are a passionate spitfire with a heart of gold. You learn the hard way sometimes, but you always learn because you never give up. You can sometimes be obstinate…but don’t fret. You will learn to open your mind and your heart and use that stubborn nature for good!
You will face ugly demons. You will wield the sword and slay them on your own, alone in the arena while your loved ones cheer from the seats (because these fights are yours to win). You’re the heroine in your own story. You’re so strong, child. So smart and so strong.
I know right now you don’t feel like enough. You feel like you need praise from others, you tentatively ask if everything is ok, if you’re doing the right things, but what you really mean is “Am I worthy of your love?”
Yes, child. Even when you feel totally alone, remember that the universe itself has always been inside of you, and always will be. You are an incredible being! Millions and millions of infinitesimal parts, choreographing a continuous dance that is just like but wholly different than anything else on this earth.
One day you will understand how much power you hold, and how to harness it. You will find your voice, and you will turn every ounce of angst and anger and sadness and shame into a song that others can’t help but to dance along to.
You will meet many amazing people. Some will stick by you for years, some will be there for just a little while. You will suffer great losses, but you will learn to be grateful for the time you had. You will learn to accept that nothing lasts forever.
You will also meet people who hurt you. Some inadvertently as they learn the same lessons, and some because they just hold evil in their hearts. You will want to hate them, but the rage you feel will harm you more than it does them. Eventually you will learn forgiveness and you will let them, and the pain, go.
It’s ok to cry, little one. Let it out like the clouds release the rain when it just gets too heavy to carry. It’s ok to feel angry and release that negative energy sometimes like the storms that roll across the Summer sky. And it’s ok to let yourself be happy, to smile. Let yourself be silly and enjoy the little moments and don’t worry what others think or say. Not everyone will like you, and not everyone will understand you and the way you live, but that isn’t your cross to bear.
It’s ok, child. It will all be ok. You can rest. We know how this story ends because we are the author, and we hold the pen. The power was inside us all along.
3 thoughts on “A Letter to My Younger Self”
Hi Steph. Thanks for the blog. I’ve just had my surgery and due to start radio soon. It’s totally horrid but helps just to know you’ve been there too. I also have young kids.
Hi Kate, I’m so sorry you are going through this as well. Please feel free to reach out if you ever need someone to talk to. I know how isolating it can feel going through this. ❤️
Steph I’d like to get in touch but don’t know how. Will try putting my email here, don’t know if it’ll publish. Kate dot hall at doctors dot org dot uk
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